2010年高考英语作文求老师打分点评！谢谢！（可加分！）

2010年高考英语作文求老师打分点评！谢谢！（可加分！）
老师们好！我是2011年的高考考生，这段时间想自己操练一下英语作文所以就写了10年的英语作文题。。。（就是那个课堂一角小朋友们都积极举手发言满脸欢笑的）
感觉写得应该不算差吧。。。但总觉得缺点儿什么，想请老师帮忙看看有哪些问题，还有大概能得多少分~
鞠躬~谢谢各位老师了！~
=========华丽的分割线===========
This is a photo of a class in a foreign primary school. As we can see, all of the children are hanging up their hands to answer the question of the teacher, smile on their faces.
The photo reminded me the image of my primary school life. My teacher always taught us to be active in class, but most of the children just didn't will to answer the questions most of the time. You could hardly see smiles on our faces, because there was simply too much work for us to do.
It is clear that an active child (or person) may lead a better life in future. So what shall we do? As for me, I'm just beginning my study career of my life. What I can learn to do from now on , is to 'do' something once it is good for me. When I come up with an idea, just do it; when I don't understand something, just try to ask. To be active like this will benefit me in my life.
And one more point even more important: when I teach my child in future, I should never put too much pressure on him and try to make him be happy and active. A healthier character formed at the early age of my child may bring him a brighter future.

挺好的，给点微弱建议：because换成in that, due to, given that.
important 换成significant， essential
文章结构也许可以用Initially，also， moreover，what is more, finally 来排列。GRE考者的建议。
http://home.ustc.edu.cn/~xniverse