给外教的求助信 ,请求润色

给外教的求助信 ,请求润色
Dear Bonnie:
Hi I'm your student in XX University.My English name is Joe,Chinese name is XXX.Long time no see.:)
I'm one of the Computer Secience class.Unfortunately,I failed in the second term of our English study.My final grade is 57.2.I was suprised because my English study NEVER cause me any trouble before.So I questioned my grade and found that my "Self-study Hall" grade is 0(15) and my regular grade is 2(5).I asked Mr Huang,the chief of the Public English Education Offce.He told me that they didn't recieve my exam grade in "Self-study Hall" .So they can't help me.
At first I didn't think this is a big deal,because I thought English is 2 study-point,and I can study this course again in the next year.So I didn't turn to disturb your life.But this term I found that English course is 3 study-point and because of this I would lose my Bachelor Degree.I have to ask you for help.
Would you please change my regular grade I admit that I was absent 2 or 3 times in your class ,but that is becase my health condition was quite poor and my friend Allan helped me to ask for a break .I finished all the journals and enjoyed many happy festivals such as Hallowmas ,Thanksgiving Day and Easter.I still keep the rabbit chocolate you gave me.
Ms Bonnie,I reallly need your help.Please help me.
Hope to hear from you soon
Sincerely yours
Joe
PS:my student number is xxxxx
以上就是给一位已经回国的女外教的求助信 .大概就是希望他高抬贵手 ,给我3分让我及格.请各位润色下 .最好修改的地方 能用其他字体或者颜色 标示出来
就这点分了 不行以后再加

那个学分应该翻译成credit而不是study-point,你说study-point人家怎么可能看懂?
把那个so I didn't turn to disturb your life去掉.然后后面改成Later on I found out that Entlish is a 3-credit course, and that I won't be able to get my bachelor's degree if I fail it.
另外,其实语法之类的不重要,重要的是你得言之有理.如果the Public English Education Offce没收到你的self-study hall的分数,因此不能给你改成绩,那外教凭什么要给你改成绩?你得拿出令人信服的理由来.反正我从你的信里没看出来.你因为这门课不能毕业并不是外教帮你改成绩的理由.你需要让他明白的是你这门课本就该拿到分,没拿到分数不是你的责任,你得解释解释为什么你没拿到那个self-study hall的成绩.
还有你也不用急着招认你缺了2、3次课,这不会是你不及格的理由.你finished所有的journal还有enjoyed什么什么节日还有你还留着他给你的巧克力,也不是你pass这门课的理由,你得说明你的成绩合格才可以.
再另外,如果仅仅因为这一门英语课导致你不能毕业,那是非常荒谬的事.即使你是英语专业的学生,也不该这样.如果是我的话,我会投诉学校.