toefl马上要考试了,发一篇文章求批改,大概在什么分数段.说的好的有extra reward

toefl马上要考试了,发一篇文章求批改,大概在什么分数段.说的好的有extra reward
It is sometimes said that borrowing money from a friend can harm or damage the friendship ,do you agree or disagree.
in the modern times,people usually have to face the dilemma to choose whether we should borrow money from our friends or just cover the problem by ourselves,it's a controversial problem that confused numerous people at times.We would all know,we can't live without friends.Why?answer is clear that even a kid will understand how to define a word "friend".a friend is the guy who we can not only share the pleasure,but also go through difficulties together.as my opinion,i totally disagree with the opinion that borrowing money would be harmful for the relationship between s/he and me,on the contrary,the opposite of this is my point of view.Here I would explain a few of the most important reasons.But before rendering my opinion,I think it is necessary to take a glance at the arguments of both sides.
first and foremost,like the proverb said "a friend in need is a friend indeed" ,the ones who are not willing to help their friends out of a bad situation,are definitely not real friends .let's assume,you are a friend of mine ,and now you are in big trouble and need some money to cover this off,how can i say no to you?I insist on the point of view friends should be considerate and taking care of each other.I will not just ignore your situation and leave you alone.i will absolutely lend you money I have,without hesitation,even though you won't return money back to me in short time.Everybody have to do this,considering your situation may just like s/he someday.help your friends is helping yourself.
admittedly,i can not imagine what the hell my life will be without money.money can do a lot of thing,buying food,car,house etc!but still money have its limitation that it can not represent emotion.i can give you a example that will make it easy to understand.I want to state rich don't means happy.
friends can do what money can not do.that's why i cherish my friendship,i don't care about money.to be perfectly frank,i will appreciate to get more friends than money.i remenbered one thing that seemed so fresh to me even now.paul,a friend of mine ,who is born in rich and never bent down his head when takling with someone ,seemingly he is superior to others.we both hate him.after a while ,he is in trouble and just keeping his mouth closed because he knew he got no friends.guess what,at the end,he was arrested by police for stealing goods from storage.i m upset about it .that bad thing can be avoided if he told us.
if all things above all are considerated,it's not difficult to find that the point of the view is so partial and obviously have a limitation,From what I have deliberated above,we may easily come to the conclusion that choosing is that caring money too much but not your friends should not be a wise decision.
用时:33
字数:536

首先你开头的模板前几句真的很生硬,我觉得看完你的第一句胃口就倒了一半了,为什么不仔细思考一下一个合适的切入呢,哪怕朴实一点,这种生搬硬套最好避免哦,
其次是你的语言表达不是特别清晰,有些地方有错误
on the contrary, the opposite of this is my point of view,这种典型的自作聪明式的表达你认为评卷人会怎么定义你的能力,直接用however,my view is totally contraversial是不是会更好一些?
I insist on the point of view friends should be considerate and taking care of each other,这句话语法也不是台湾杉,为什么非要加个the point of view,而且后面的从句恐怕加个that引导才顺畅吧,should be taking care of each other 是什么表达啊,要正在关心吗?
语言方面还要加强,你的结构套模板还是不错的,但是你的叙述又太牵强,随时都是must,should,你在陈述的是客观理由,不是主观想法,你一个人的想法观点意识形态不能成为说服别人的工具,更不能作为有力的论据,你的用时都超过了30分钟,这是在练习中啊,真实考试你肯定写不完,而且你的语言瑕疵几乎从一开始到结尾都没消失过,我没法说你能得几分,因为我不是考官,但作为考完托福和gre作文的人,我认为楼主任重而道远,不是那一两篇习作去估分,而是因该仔细寻找不足改进和完善,可以说生套模板,语言不规范,是主要问题,我站在中国考生的你角度能读懂,不代表没有汉语能力的死毛子有本事看懂.
楼主加油吧.