下个月参加托福考试,自己的一篇练习,想请高人帮我看看谢谢?主要是想知道自己的写作在哪些方面不足!

下个月参加托福考试,自己的一篇练习,想请高人帮我看看谢谢?主要是想知道自己的写作在哪些方面不足!
题目：Which is better, doing work by machine or doing work by hand?
With the machine playing an increasingly big role in our life, vast changes await this country’s society. When asked about which is better, doing work by machine or doing work by hand? Many people say doing by machine may bring about marked rise in work time and efficiency, needless to say, scarcely does any machine need to have a rest, but other people regard it as the cause of the ascending jobless rate. What’s more, they maintain that although machines gains enormous advantages of economic growth, it can not compare with people who work by hand with their expertise. Nonetheless, I consider it is hard to give a simple answer for this contrary and I maintain that the advantages of either of them will sound more remarkable than these of the other in each case.
First of all, the invention of machine can be seen as a symbol of development. It is machines that keep people away from dangerous jobs. History abounds with the instances of these indelibly miserable stories. We may cite a nation-wide legend with reference to the Chinese woman Meng Jiang whose tears broke down the renowned great wall. Although it might be not an authentic issue in history, it just demonstrates that so arduous is it to accomplish the splendid project without the help of modern advanced machines. Many people had lost their family or even lives. Therefore, we can’t deny that doing work by machine leads better benefits than the traditional way to use our own hands.
In the other hand, machine can not finish some work better than people. Believe it or not, it is a real situation for all the machines, even so is the most intellective machine that we call it computer. Based on the striking influence of the computer, I can safely claim that everybody considers it has a sharp minded capability to take on anything we want it to do, and somebody also reckon the computer will supersede human beings. Actually, computers just carry on the instructions which must previously code by the programmers. It could not achieve a better consequence than the design of algorithm engineers. Obviously, it should be better to work by our soft hands when machines haven’t assimilated the skills.
From what has been analyzed above, we can propose a sound conclusion that it is better to doing a job with machine for the dangerous, repetitious and less creative tasks like computation, transit and all that, while much better to utilized our hand to carry on the smart and ingenious work such as algorithm design, financial plan, decision-making and so on.

一,改正语法错误及语义不清
1.With the machine playing an increasingly big role in our life, vast changes await this country’s society.
1）去掉machine前面的the,machine加复数
2）big太口语化,随意化,改成important
2）虽然没有语法错误,但后半句用法太不走寻常路,不好,平常很少有这么说话的.
3）vast=very great extent of quantity; immense,改成dramatic
3）this country 指代不明.this country是哪个country? 英文中每用一个代词,比如it, they, he, she, this, that的时候,都要注意这个代词所指代的对象必须在前文中出现过,不可以在第一段的第一句话就这样代.这个问题我们的英语教学可能不强调,但在美国高中,这种“无指代”是明显的语法错误.
4）逻辑.应该是随着机器在社会中的作用越来越大, 我们的生活随之产生了巨大的影响.我知道你可能有一些不同的想法,但是考托福主要是应试,把文章写出来就完了,这个不是考你的能力,就是考英语水平.所以还是尽量写你水平能掌控的句子.
改：
Playing an increasingly important role in the world, machines bring many dramatic changes in our lives and for our societies.
2. When asked about which is better, doing work by machine or doing work by hand?
1）句子没有主语.
改：
When we are asked if it is better to doing work by machines or by hands,
3. Many people say doing by machine may bring about marked rise in work time and efficiency, needless to say, scarcely does any machine need to have a rest, but other people regard it as the cause of the ascending jobless rate.
1）逗号错误,needless to say 开始应该是新的一句话,所以这里可以用冒号,分号或者巨好.推荐用冒号,这样比较显得有风格.
2）say 后面最好加that
3）may去掉
3）缺冠词,应该是may bring about A marked rise...
4) 把work time and efficiency 可以改成 work rate
5) scarce: insufficient for demand.是“稀缺”的意思,不能用在这里.
6) 在but处,语法上没有错误,但是由于你这里是要开始你的第二个观点,所以最好另起一句,用However,的句法.
7）jobless rate改成 unemployment rate,专用说法,失业率
8) the 改成 an
9）建议把it改回所指代的对象,使得文章更加准确.
改：
Many people say that doing work by machine brings about a marked rise in work rate: needless to say, few does any machine need to have a rest. However, other people regard doing work by machine as the cause of an ascending employment rate.
4. What’s more, they maintain that although machines gains enormous advantages of economic growth, it can not compare with people who work by hand with their expertise.
1）单数第三人成,although machines gain
2）前半句意思不太通.
3）指代准确,it改成they.
改：
What's more, they maintain that although machines contribute enormously for the economic growth, they can not compare with people who work by hand with their expertise.
5.Nonetheless, I consider it is hard to give a simple answer for this contrary and I maintain that the advantages of either of them will sound more remarkable than these of the other in each case.
1）contrary: adj. ... n.: the contrary= the opposite, 改成debate或discussion或problem
2）句子不通.看不懂什么意思.
改：
Nonetheless, I think we can not give a simple and one-sided answer for this debate, and I believe the answer depends on the particular situation we are dealing with. That is, for some cases, it is good to doing work by hand, and for the other cases, it is good to doing work by machines.
6.First of all, the invention of machine can be seen as a symbol of development. It is machines that keep people away from dangerous jobs.
没有语法错误,建议,
1) can be seen 改成 can be regarded
2) development 前加 industrial 和 technology.
3) job 改成 work
改：
First of all, the invention of machines can be regarded as a symbol of industrial and technology development. It is machines that keep people away from dangerous work.
7.History abounds with the instances of these indelibly miserable stories.
1）去掉the instances of.这个属于无意义添加词,一般我们叫啰嗦,是英文的一种典型病句.
2）去掉indelibly,these,加many
3）加一句为什么,和前文呼应.
改：
History abounds with many miserable stories caused by human doing dangerous work.
8.We may cite a nation-wide legend with reference to the Chinese woman Meng Jiang whose tears broke down the renowned great wall.
1) 整句直接改
改:
Meng Jiang, a female figure in a Chinese fairy tale, reportedly cried down the great wall, because her husband was died on duty of the construction of the great wall.
9. Although it might be not an authentic issue in history, it just demonstrates that so arduous is it to accomplish the splendid project without the help of modern advanced machines.
1）although 用过了,最好换个词,比如even though.
2）头半句话改成,the story might not be historically authentic.
3) 去掉just
4）如果你要用arduous的话,后面最好再加上dangerous,以此呼应你认为手工完成某些工作太危险的论点.
4）that的从句改成,how arduous it is to accomplish...
5）后面整句改.
改: Even though the story may not be historically authentic, it demonstrates how arduous and dangerous it is for human beings to finish large-scale constructing projects.
10. Many people had lost their family or even lives. Therefore, we can’t deny that doing work by machine leads better benefits than the traditional way to use our own hands.
1）用过去时,不要用过去完成时.
2）后半句语义不明
改：
Many people lost their lives on duty, and others lost their family members. Therefore, we can't deny that doing work by machine can be a better than doing work by hand for some cases, extensive constructing work for example.
11.In the other hand, machine can not finish some work better than people.
1）固定搭配,on the other hand
改：
On the other hand, machines can not finish some work with the accuracy and ingenuity as they are finished by human hands.
12.Believe it or not, it is a real situation for all the machines, even so is the most intellective machine that we call it computer.
1）不知道为什么要加believe it or not...
2）it is 改成 this is
3) intellective= related to the action of understanding, opposed to imagination
改：
This is true for all kinds of machines, even the most ingenious ones like computers.
13. Based on the striking influence of the computer, I can safely claim that everybody considers it has a sharp minded capability to take on anything we want it to do, and somebody also reckon the computer will supersede human beings.
改：
As computers are invented, many people consider them omnipotent, and these people also reckon that computers will finally supersede human beings to control the world.
14.Actually, computers just carry on the instructions which must previously code by the programmers. It could not achieve a better consequence than the design of algorithm engineers.
1）因为是转折句,副词必须用转折副词,即however
2）just 改成 only
3）carry on=continue an activity or task,改成carry out
4）指代错误,it 改成they
5）could 改成can
改：
However, computers are only carrying out the instructions that are previously programmed by human engineers. They can not do anything beyond these programs.
15.Obviously, it should be better to work by our soft hands when machines haven’t assimilated the skills.
太混乱...
改：
On the account of this, it is better to work by hands for the work which need creativity, skillfulness and sense of beauty.
16.From what has been analyzed above, we can propose a sound conclusion that it is better to doing a job with machine for the dangerous, repetitious and less creative tasks like computation, transit and all that, while much better to utilized our hand to carry on the smart and ingenious work such as algorithm design, financial plan, decision-making and so on.
改：
1）不能说propose a conclusion.
2) computation改成calculation
3）transit改成transportation
4）建议把句子分成两个,一个句子太长.
5) utilize= make practical and effective use of, 利用；改成use
改：
From what has been analyzed above, we can make a sound conclusion that it is better to do with machine for the dangerous, repetitive and dull tasks, calculation, transportation and large-scale construction for example. At the same time, it is better to use our hands to carry out the creative and ingenious work, such as program designing, finance planning and decision making.
二,改进建议.
1. 扎实语法.写作所要求的语法中国学校的英语课基本不讲.写作所要求的一些基本语法比如 1. 标点符号的正确使用,拒绝逗号错误.2. 单数第三人称 3.时态一致 4.代词的指代明确问题 5.代词的数一致问题 6.啰嗦 这些你基本都犯了.但是我们中国教的语法不教这些,都教怎么挑过去完成进行时和虚拟语气.所以这方面应该在提高一下.建议有时间的话去看一看sat语法题.里面全都是这些错误,还有就是多写多改,多让老师给你改,尤其改语法错误,慢慢就好了.
2. 加强对于词汇的细节意思的掌握.你知道好多单词,但是很多都用的不准,这样更不好,还不如不用.建议背单词的时候可以多背一些例句,或者多查一下英英字典,这样有助于提高你对单词具体意思的理解.因为很多中国出的破字典一个巨大的问题就是他们在找中文的词对应一个英文单词,而不是在解释这个词什么意思.比如说,pernicious中文词典的解释是： 有害的；有毒的；致命的.这明显是挑三个词来对应这个英文词的意思.但真正的字典,我就举牛津字典,的解释是：having harmful effect, in a gradual and sublte way,即,有害的,以一种慢性并且不显而易见的方式.这是在用文字解释一个词什么意思,而不是挑中文词来对应这个词.所以建议你背一些例句或者是查查英文字典,这样能更细致的理解单词的用法和含义.
3. 对于你的文章来说,开头太多,中间和后面有点少.开头没必要说那么多.而中间的内容不够充实.可以多举几个例子来说明你的观点.而且字数可能不太够.
4. 其它的方面,虽然有好多用法不是英文最native的用法,但是都是情有可原的,因为毕竟不是英文的native speaker.但是多阅读,多注意吧. 托福还是考语言水平,多学多用肯定有帮助.