我写的雅思大作文,我的目标是G类作文7分.这次写完一看表,47分钟,时间用的太长了,的逐步压缩时间.作为如下：Who s

我写的雅思大作文,
我的目标是G类作文7分.这次写完一看表,47分钟,时间用的太长了,的逐步压缩时间.作为如下：
Who should be more responsible for children's education,the school or the parents?
Recently,the issue of children education has been brought into public focus.People's opinion varies dramatically on these topics,such as who,the school or the parents,should bear more responsibility for children's education.It is reaonable to analyse two opposite views before reaching the final conclusion.
There are many sound reasons to those who claim that school should be more responsible for children's education.Firstly,compared with children's parents,school has more professional education facilities and equipments and teachers are usually experts on the fields such as early children education and children psychology etc,thus it is eailer for the teachers providing high quality of education.They can make much more effect communication with children and resolve children's problems skillfully.
On the other hand,the opponents also are persuasive.To begin with,the parents are ,according to widely-accepted opinion,the closest friend and the only teacher before their children are sent to kindergarten or school,thus what the parents taught in this period plays a decisive role in children's future development.Moreover,parents,unlike the teachers,are able to concentrate their mind on their own children and in school,on the other hand,children's special needs on education are usually neglected because teachers have to take care of too many children.Therefore,the parents understand their own kids much deeper than the teachers and the parents are capable of catering children's special needs and feature on education.
Admittedly,two opinions respectively provide only only parts of the real answer to his question.In fact,children's education requires cooperation between teachers and parents,and only one party being involved in children's education would finally brought negative effect on children.

1.有点中式英语的句子构成.开始在People's opinion varies dramatically on these topics,such as who,the school or the parents,should bear more responsibility for children's education.这句里面就体现出来了, 你想用插入增色,但是插入的不地道.既然有people了,你的who是要指代谁呢,本来就只有两方的论点,你用who做插入是不是不够精炼,后面你是想提出问题,是家长还是学校该负责,但是的bear用错了,不是承担而是忍受了,用take responsibility没有bear responsibility.
2.句子之间连接的不好,除了firstly,on the other hand 之类的没有其他东西,连接词判卷人看的很仔细的,用高级一点的,别用这些用烂的词,你用别人也用,怎么体现你的实力,凭什么给你7.nevertheless,thus, whereas,eventually,in addition之类的连接.
3你的整体结构是5段式,开始两个分论点太少,当然不一定要强调正方,可以稍微偏向一方 ,这样再结尾的时候就可以有侧重的结论,比如我认为合作很重要只有合作才能.但是家长的责任更重.（我打比方）
这个文章的问题应该是,who should be responsible for children's education ,parents or teachers,to what extand do you agree?之类的
你得回答第一个问题先,当然如果是开放式的就不用了,你的段落很好
4作文小语法错误有一些,写完多看看.
总体来说,写的不错.g类作文,我可以给你6分到6.5分
加油哦