雅思作文修改Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal

雅思作文修改
Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions.Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is not fair.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinoin.
Unlike other important occupations,sports professional are paid a deal of money.Some people think it is not fair while others think it is deserved.
Many people believe the athelets should not be the group which get a much higher income than the others working on the other essencial jobs.The distribution of weath is determined by the contribution a person makes to the whole society.They compare the professional atheles with those of the top of the scientists,architecture engineers and doctors,and find that any one of the other occupations can create more weath for the whole society.Accordingly,they insist the sport salaries is reletively too large and this phenomenom may cause the society focus too much on sports but ignore other essencial vocations.
Those who are convinced that the sport professionals deserve the super salary might argue that they are suffering a huge pressure from both society and themselves.As a sportman,occupying by the fierce compititions,which are necessary and consistant,they have to live under strongly pressured situation .At the same time,the media and public’s focus on them make they have little privacy out of spotlight.All of these factors taking into consideration,a large number of people believe that the athelets deserve the high paid.
From my point of view,I am convinced that it is justified for the sports professionals being a group of high paid.As a public character exposed under the spotlight and suffering the huge pressure ate the same time,the sportsman absolutely should be a super salary.

这么小气一分不给,哪有人给你细心地全文修改啊?
我就算免费帮你改第一段吧:
SPORTS PROFESSIONALS是指职业运动员,是人,你的UNLIKE ...从句讲的是"其他职业",不对应啊,应该是PEOPLE IN OTHER OCCUPATIONS才对;另外A GREAT DEAL OF是词组,很多的意思,你把GREAT漏掉,就没有这个意思了,可见你基本词组也不熟悉.这两个还都是作文题目里就给出的内容,都被你抄错,你的语法还需要好好下功夫,否则上来考官就对你的水平失望了,不可能给高分的.最后一句IT IS DESERVED的用法也说明你不明白DESERVE这个词怎么用才对,应该是THEY DESERVE IT.