给我这篇新托福Independent writing评一下分可以吗?

给我这篇新托福Independent writing评一下分可以吗?
If there is only one thing he choose, that should be a car. Elimiate the high expenditure
which the car will cost, choosing a car, in the contrast, equal to seral vacations and share
the fun with friends. Owning a car have more useful advendage than just having an unfor-
getable vacation once. In my personal level, the reasons are as follow:
Initially, owning a car can make any long journy motively and freely. In sharp contrast,
have a vacation could have to follow the local guide obey the tour decipine like the time-
table or catching the tour bus. Further more, Having a car vacation can design by yourself,
any time, any where. Consequently, owning a car is the first step to start an ease vacation.
In the second place, owning a car could share fun and make more friends. Because the
car is convinient and comfortable, you can drive the car with your friends not only just pick
them up but also have fun together. For instance, having a car vacation with them. In the
same way, you will make friends through your help with car. Although a vacation could make
friends either, seldom can you keep in touch.
What is more,a car is convinient and comfortable to make your life more fantastic. Nowaday,
noisy and crowded embarrass every citizens. A car can lat you adcoid these. Music, air
conditon, soft seat combine into a lifestyle you would be extremely enjoyable.
As a consequent, Owning a car, especially a cool one, could share your fun with friends
and it is the first step of the comfortable vacation. Buy a car ,that is the best choice you ever
make.
我想知道我的水平到底在哪里.
谢谢
Topic: If your friend enough have money to have a vacation or buy a car. What would you suggect him?

If there is only one thing he choose,that should be a car.Elimiate the high expenditure
Eliminating
which the car will cost,choosing a car,in the contrast,equal to
what equals
seral vacations and share
the fun with friends.Owning a car have more useful advendage than just having an unfor-
getable vacation once.In my personal level,the reasons are as follow:
following
Initially,owning a car can make any long journy motively and freely.In sharp contrast,
没motively这个单词,这里应该选个形容词motivating and free
have a vacation could have to follow the local guide obey the tour decipine like the time-
having a vacation would make you have to follow the local guide and obey the tour discipline ...have to 的主语是人,不是having a vacation,或者你可以说 if you chose to have a vacation,you would have to
table or catching the tour bus.Further more,Having a car vacation can design by yourself,
Having a car vacation can design by your self讲不通啊,是不是这样好一点 Having a car vacation means you can design the travel by your self
any time,any where.Consequently,owning a car is the first step to start an ease vacation.
In the second place,owning a car could share fun and make more friends.Because the
car is convinient and comfortable,you can drive the car with your friends not only just pick
friends don't only
them up but also have fun together.For instance,having a car vacation with them.In the
same way,you will make friends through your help with car.Although a vacation could make
friends either,seldom can you keep in touch.
What is more,a car is convinient and comfortable to make your life more fantastic.Nowaday,
noisy and crowded embarrass every citizens.A car can lat you adcoid these.Music,air
conditon,soft seat combine into a lifestyle you would be extremely enjoyable.
As a consequent,Owning a car,especially a cool one,could share your fun with friends
and it is the first step of the comfortable vacation.Buy a car ,that is the best choice you ever
make.
注意一下语法错误吧,有些句式也挺混乱的..