请好心人帮忙修改申请港大的personal statement!

请好心人帮忙修改申请港大的personal statement!
Hong Kong University has great appeal to me.As a student who is going to enter the field of Business,Hong Kong University provides excellent business programs.Hong Kong has an ascendant geographical location and vital status of international finance and business,which is an ideal place for me to pursue my education and career.It is also in close proximity to my hometown,Shenzhen.Therefore,I desire to enter Hong Kong University.
I have spent the past two years studying in Canada.In these two years,I not only experienced the Canadian culture and exceptional educational and language opportunities,but also developed my personality in diverse aspects.
At school,my grades put me in the top three in every class.I received a “Super G Award” and won the “Fermat Mathematics Contest” in my first school year in Canada.Outside of the class,I take part in many different activities.
I spent many hours volunteering with an organization called Alexandra Neighbourhood House.Because I’m enthusiastic,responsible and capable,I was invited to join the BWIN Leadership Group.As a group member,I participated in planning and organizing activities held by ANH and started a program to welcome and help new immigrants to adapt into Canadian society.This program has had huge success and long-term influence on other Neighbourhood Houses.As a continuation of this program,we planned project for youth new comers.I was one of the three youth in the planning group and contributed in carrying out the idea,writing the application,planning activities and raising funds.
The highlight of my volunteer experience was when I received a “BC Good Neighbour Award”.This award is given to youth who have demonstrated commitment and support to Neighbourhood House or Camp activities as well as their school and community.
My work with ANH allowed me to hone my organizational and planning skills.I learned to manage my time and balance my life.I learned to be responsible for my work and be considerate in my tasks.I learned to take the initiative and seek opportunities and make decisions independently.At the same time,my English language skills improved significantly.
It was exciting that the 2010 Winter Olympics were held in Vancouver the first year I was living in Canada.The most exciting thing for me was that I got the opportunity to perform Guzheng (a Chinese traditional instrument) at the Olympic Ceremony held in Surrey.It was a special opportunity for me to display the Chinese traditional music in Canada.As a newcomer to Canada,it was also a challenge for me to introduce the instrument and interpret the songs in front of very large audiences.The response from the audience was overwhelming applause,which was a rewarding tribute to my years of practise.
后面还有两段贴不上来了 我贴在回复里面好了!T感激涕零
When I was in high school in China,I was actively enrolled in extra-curricular activities as well.I was a member of the school student council,planned and organized school events.I was a student reporter for the Youth Newspapers,published several articles in newspapers and magazines.I was a volunteer teacher and tutored children of low-income families.I was also a businesswoman,selling fried chicken at school.These activities enriched my after-school life,and simultaneously encouraged me to be brave - to try and to think.
I believe I would be a good fit at Hong Kong University because I am fluent in English,Mandarin,and Cantonese; I have a zeal for studying Business; I have the ability to be successful; and I have the desire to study at a university that will provide me with the opportunity to learn from world class professors and expand my knowledge of the world of business.

It has been my dream to have the chance of studying in Hong Kong University.As a student who is going to enter the field of Business,Hong Kong University provides excellent business programs.At the same time,Hong Kong City has ascendant geographical location and vital status of international finance and business.It is very close my hometown,Shenzhen,too.I can hardly find better goal than Hong Kong University.
I have spent the past two years studying in Canada,where I not only experienced the Canadian culture and exceptional educational and language opportunities,but also developed my personality in diverse aspects.At school,my grades put me in the top three in every class.I received a “Super G Award” and won the “Fermat Mathematics Contest” in my first school year in Canada.
Outside of the class,I take part in many different activities.I spent many hours volunteering with an organization called Alexandra Neighbourhood House.Because I’m enthusiastic,responsible and capable,I was invited to join the BWIN Leadership Group.As a group member,I participated in planning and organizing activities held by ANH and started a program to welcome and help new immigrants to adapt into Canadian society.This program has had huge success and long-term influence on other Neighbourhood Houses.As a continuation of this program,we planned project for youth new comers.I was one of the three youth in the planning group and contributed in carrying out the idea,writing the application,planning activities and raising funds.The highlight of my volunteer experience was when I received a “BC Good Neighbour Award”.This award is only given to youth who have demonstrated commitment and support to Neighbourhood House or Camp activities as well as their school and community.
My work with ANH allowed me to hone my organizational and planning skills.I learned to manage my time and balance my life.I learned to be responsible for my work and be considerate in my tasks.I learned to take the initiative and seek opportunities and make decisions independently.At the same time,my English language skills improved significantly.
Give me a chance,and I believe I will do well in both courses and activities.