雅思作文批改：最好能给个合理的分数,

雅思作文批改：最好能给个合理的分数,
topic:Some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old .Others believe that it is important for children to go to school as soon as possible.What do you think are the advantages of attending school from a young age?
内容：
Currently ,more and more people prefer their children to attend school when they are pretty young .I ,indeed,do believe that there are a multitude of strengths to their physical and mental well—being .
First of all ,a vast number of great educational resources such as well—trained teachers and specialized facilities are offered within schools ,which may expend their outlook and gain knowledge more scientifically.Specifically,these teachers can motivate them to develop their interest and specialty and help them build self-esteem since young.Therefore,children not only relax their bodies and ease minds ,but also there will be a strong basement for learning in the future .Maybe they can attain more excellent academic performance than others who stay always at home.
In addition to this,children can learn how to cooperate with others .For instance,as a individual of students who come from different areas sometimes is difficult to complete a mission teachers arrange to them.Therefore,they need comminute with others and finish it together.Moreover,at least to define,keeping students at school when he was a child ,folks actually relieve more or less burdens so that they have enough time to deal with living or work of their own.
Although there are so many advantages for children,excessive schooling may lower freedom which a child should have been had .If they are arranged most time to attend school even not a little freedom ,he may get a contrary result .
To sum up ,going to school early make great contribution in enhancing the development of students ,but a proper form must be outlined .In another word,although their children need time for themselves ,parents can keep their children at kidgardon for adapting to formal schooling in advance .
注意：希望懂雅思的人高手来,不懂雅思的就不要凑热闹了!最好仔细修改一下,我给的悬赏也不算少哦
五楼的高手,我知道你说的很有道理,可是你能给我具体修改一下吗?

在hi上和你说的差不多了吧,都明白了吗