求雅思写作批改～请高手指出问题和错误,看看能得多少分呢?Now the competition becomes incr

求雅思写作批改～
请高手指出问题和错误,看看能得多少分呢?
Now the competition becomes increasingly serious in modern society.Some people think that people should encourage the children having sense of competition,while others believe that it is more important to teach children to cooperate with others,which can make children become more useful adults.In my opinion,it's much more essential to know how to cooperate with others than to learn competition.
To begin with,at present,especially in modern cities,children's homework and assignment are already heavy enough.As a result,there is no need to enhance their pressure by encouraging sense of competition.Moreover,children have right to enjoy studies and games at their ages.The strong sense of competition will destroy the fun of learning and it is also harmful to children's physically and mentally healthy.In addition,to teach children cooperating with each other will be helpful for children to understand what the team sprite is,which can make children become a considerate person as well as a useful adults.Even though there are a host of rivals in this society,we still need someone who is genial and live in harmony with others.Well-communicated and cooperated team work is necessary completing various tasks in almost all companies and agencies.For instance,in a job interview,which person the company will choose?A person who only focus on how to fulfill his own achievement or a person who has a great team sprite,aiming to achieve the goal with the help of the whole team?obviously,the latter will be more welcomed by the interviewees from all kinds of enterprises.The person who knows how to cooperate and interact can find satisfying jobs easily.
in summary,nowadays the priority task of education is to cultivate children's ability of cooperation instead of competition.

having sense of competition have a sense of
to learn competition how to compete
enhance their pressure increase,exacerbate their pressure
encouraging sense the sense
physically and mentally healthy health
a useful adults an useful adult
and live in harmony with others living
focus on focuses on
以上是明显的语法错误和词义错误.感觉说实话您写作水平有待加强,如果现在去考试很难超过6,这个就你的水平而言,如果马上考试,多看看范文,尽量少用中文语境来用英语作文.不过结构上是典型的雅思摸版,我觉得就保持这样就行了,等以后水平高了,可进行创新.
再问： 谢谢你，请问作文的结尾应该怎么写呢，总觉得没有内容写了。。。
再答： 就你现在的状况来说结尾就把你的论点重新说一遍.再把优缺点重新摆一遍(但是不要太明显的重复),或者可以写一些美好的前景.as the development of this education system, definitely our community will be one of more brilliant future and with tranquility.这些东西