托福 16号就考试了,作文怎么办啊!求批改.第一次写.救人一命胜造七级浮屠啊

托福 16号就考试了,作文怎么办啊!求批改.第一次写.救人一命胜造七级浮屠啊
successful people try new things and take risk rather than only doing what they know how to doing well.
In the 21st century human being are facing extremely test than ever .people in our times have more opportunities to succeed but they also have to face more fatal competitions.It is on doubt that every one want to have more opportunities.But when it comes,we are wonder is it worth for us to take risk or we should follow what we are doing now and let the chances go.I think we should be very clear about which condition we are facing before we make a conclusion.
When it involved in creative field,taking risks is more efficient than be conservative .creative plays an crucial role because success in this field requires a profound insight into what people are really interest .just like low carbon products enter our live .when the low carbon concept came out ,many people though it is useless .but some people who have sharpen business mind explore it ,and now not only the low carbon products but also low carbon style involve our daily life .This case is not rare ,in reality ,frequently many people chase chances like this and then become successful.
But when it comes to The Stock market ,risk and income is both are enlarged ,it will become an open question .If a day ,the stock has raised 90% of the whole market .then you desire it may come up more tomorrow ,you buy in the stocks which had raised more than 90% in today .it is no doubt you are taking extremely big risk than ever have ,because the stock may down to the end tomorrow .but if you keep stay in stable ,maybe you can buy it lower in tomorrow .although we can not have a conclusion by this economic phenomenon ,we know sometimes we can not make sure about this statement.
Be a successful people in modern world ,we can not determine about take risk or only doing what they already know.But we can have a clearly analysis every time before we make a decision.
请告诉我还有那些有加强的,我的致命缺点,
我的水平能考几分啊?
请问考试时需要注意大小写吗?

考试是要注意大小写的.
In the 21st century human being are facing extremely（extremely是副词,副词啥都能修饰就是不能修饰名词,所以要换成形容词extreme, 形容词是修饰名词的.但是按你原句要表达的意思,最好把extreme换成severe或stern,这两个词也都不难.） test than ever（ever同样是副词,不能放在than后面,换成in the pass) .people in our times have more opportunities to succeed but they also have to face more fatal competitions. It is no doubt that every one want to have more opportunities. But when it(你前面opportunities用的是复数,这里就不能用It,要用they） comes, we are wonder（改成we wonder that) is it worth(要用形容词worthy） for us to take risk or we should（平行结构,should we) follow what we are doing now and let the chances go. I think we should be very clear about which condition we are facing before we make a conclusion.
When it involved in creative field（又见It指代不明,改成when people are involved ）, taking risks is more efficient than be（be 要改成being,要和than前面的对比对象taking结构保持一致） conservative .creative plays an crucial role because success in this field requires a profound insight into（改成in） what people are really interest .just like low carbon products enter our live .when the low carbon concept came out ,many people though it is useless .but some people who have sharpen business mind explore it ,and now not only the low carbon products but also low carbon style involve our daily life . This case is not rare in reality. frequently many people chase chances like this（like this 去掉） and then become successful.
But when it comes to The Stock market （but when citizens comes to...),risk and income is both are enlarged (risk and income has an direct proportion风险和收入成正比）
. ,it will become an open question . If a day ,the stock has raised 90% of the whole market（if the stock has...不用再强调有一天怎么怎么,有点罗嗦.） . then you desire it may come up more tomorrow ,you buy in the stocks which had raised more than 90% in today .it is no doubt （+that）you are taking extremely big risk than ever have （have换成are,平行结构.）,because the stock may down to the end tomorrow .but if you keep stay in stable ,maybe you can buy it lower in tomorrow .although we can not have a conclusion by this economic phenomenon , we know sometimes we can not make sure about this statement.(这最后一句你想说什么,记住表达一个观点的段落,第一句一定是给出观点,最后一句一定有总结性,但是你最后一句可又说从这个经济现象中我们得不出什么结论,但有时我们怎么怎么?!就是木有结论你也要装成有结论啊!托福作文不是写出来的,是装出来的啊~~~）
Be（用being,当动词放在主语位置的时候要动名词结构,就是传说中的+ing） a successful people in modern world ,we can not determine about take risk or only doing what they already know（勉强看懂你这句要表达什么,这句得改写成people can not determine to take risk or only to do what they already known). But we can have a clearly analysis every time before we make a decision.
明显你用的是折中式,说句老实话我从没写过折中式,因为我自己感觉折中式比较浪费时间而且很难表达出自己的观点.但是因人而异,有些大牛就是折中写的特盖帽.我觉得你这篇明显比上篇好多了,首先你这篇很有内容,有观点,并且有可以支持观点的证据,低碳啊股票神马的.观点挺好,eg也挺好,虽然只有两个,但是都站得住脚.字数也够了.但是你缺点还是语法方面太弱了,而且不要去刻意写难句和用复杂的句式,因为语法不太扎实的话非常容易满篇写出来都是错句,叫考官看不懂,你先不要刻意追求把句子写难,句子可以简单,但是每个句子表达的内容一定要非常清楚,让人能看懂,这是最重要的.
PS,一个悬赏分都木有吗.