托福独立写作,求批改!谢谢!

托福独立写作,求批改!谢谢!
题目：
After they complete their university studies, some students live in their hometowns. Others live in different towns and cities. Which do you think is better? Give reasons for your answer.
正文：
After they complete their university studies, some students prefer to live in their hometowns while others choose to live in different towns or cities. Everybody has his own reasons for his preference.
After my graduation, I will go back and live in my home city. I have made this decision because of the following reasons.
Firstly, my home city is a big city that can offer a lot. There are plenty of opportunities for work, many big libraries for studies, several differrent musiums for visit, and numerous cinemas, theaters and centers for entertainment. When I go back there, I will have no difficulty in finding a job suitable for me and I can make use of all the facilities available there.
Secondly, if I go back to my home city, I can look after my parents. I take this into consideration because I am their only child and they are now weak and getting on in age. If I live in the same city with them, I can visit them very often and help them whenever it is necessary.
Thirdly, if I live in my home city, I will have a lot of friends, schoolmates and relatives to visit and to turn to for help when I need. Of course, I could get acquainted with many people and make many friends if I were to go to live in a strange place, but that takes time. If I go back to my home city, everybody will be waiting for me and I will be able to settle down comfortably without any trouble and waste of time.
In short, my choise is based on a careful consideration of my home city and my family. I think it is a better or sensible choice; in a certain sense, it is a must.

写得不错,很详尽.但我觉得有些跑题.题目是问你个人对此问题的看法,不是你个人选择.试着写了一篇如下:
After completion of university study,some students choose to live in their hometowns,while others choose to live in different towns or cities.This is a matter of personal choice.Choosing a place to live and work,there are a few factors come into the consideration,family,career,social,environment,other personal reasons,etc.Some people choose to live in hometown,probably because of their family need them to be close to them.Others choose other city to live maybe because of employment or further studies.Without taking into account the circumstances of individual choices for the matter,I think students who finish their tertiary education should go back to their hometown.They should do some contribution to the place where they were supported and nurtured.They should be close to the family,which their parents get old and need to be looked after.They also can be near their friend they grew up with and enjoy the friendship.For the most student who choose to live somewhere besides their hometown usually go to the big cities,to encourage the students go back to where they from can reduce the population of the big cities and the pressure of unemployment of in those big cities can be eased accordingly.