谁能帮我看看托福作文呗 马上就要考了还不知道自己不足在哪 三百左右字而已!

谁能帮我看看托福作文呗 马上就要考了还不知道自己不足在哪 三百左右字而已!
你觉得一周工作三天但是每天工时长比一天工作五天更enjoyable吗?
但是是机经的 所以硬着头皮写了
People nowadays normally practice an
unaltered routine of working hours.Generally,three days but longer hours per
week and five days with shorter hours per week are the two main choices.Ask
people their preferences and they may give distinct answers based on their
individual customs.The former provides people with more freedom but tiredness
after a long-term work.The latter makes us working almost all week,however
along with fairly longer break time each day.On balance,my favor goes to the
latter and I will try to demonstrate some the reasons below.
First and
foremost,only a very limited fraction of firms adopt the longer hour’s
pattern.Hence,to some extent,the universal choice of working hour pattern
shows it is widely accepted.Plus,few complaints to the pattern also eke out
its fine existence.Thus,we can make inference to the pattern is not only feasible
but enjoyable.Grounds on the empirical evidence,working fewer hours five days
per week obviously outweighs the other choice.Not to mention the pleasure.
To dig in the internal
reasons,working fewer hours five days enable
people rest relatively well after a working day.More activities are available due
to the longer free hours after work.People physically relax in gyms; mentally
relax through nice meals or movies,etc.These benefit people both mentally and
physically.People subsequently recover from exhausted.Compared to that,
working longer hours three days is by no means more enjoyable.
Admittedly,the idea of working fewer days
with longer hours per day sounds tempting,because more freedom is available.But
the consequences should be considered thoroughly.I used to study an entire day
in order to have more free time in the rest of the vocation.But dazzling eyes
and slightly headache created an impressive ill memory.Hence,I could hardly
agree with the statement that working fewer days with longer hours is
enjoyable.
If someone questions the existing workinghour pattern; if someone doubts the feasible of that.This essay is my answer.

看得出lz蛮有功底的,文章架构典型的五段式,中间三段的引导词也很明确.词汇量丰富,也注意避免重复用词,应该是可以有不错的成绩哦.
不过还是有些细节方面的问题可以更加注意一些,分数一定可以更高.我稍微提几个建议,抛砖引玉,祝lz好运!
1.关于字数,这段时间抓紧再背些例句,争取可以更多字,
2.感觉第二段理由不是很充分,虽然有好几句话,但是表达的是一个理由：即因为世界上更为广泛接受的是5天工作制,因此3天的不好.通常如果提反对意见的话,是建议列举2-3个不同的理由会比较理想,分别引导2-3个复杂点的长句子,内容就充实了,字数也就上来了.
我稍微写一小段,仅供你参考哈,
Firstly,three working days per week will severely affect the working efficiency in most industries,people can hardly complete their workload even with longer period staying in the office.Not to mention the fact that men tend to be easily ditracted after a long and tired process of focusing on their jobs,rusulting the consequense that an unefficient 12-hour outcome can barely compete with a highly concentrated 8-hour outcome.Furthermore,to rest for four days in a week is also not a good idea since the breaking gap between working days is very big so that people can barely recall the contents of last week's task and cannot maintain the consistency of a project.
3.第三段和第四段的内容上面都很好,比较丰富,我尤其觉得lz第四段的例子很棒!其他,可能有个别小小的语言问题,稍微注意一下就好啦.
4.最后一段的作用是做个总结,总结一下你的主要原因,再表明一下自己的态度即可.不太建议This essay is my answer.这样的说法.实际上,一般情况下结尾段落就是重复一下前面的内容即可,这里真的不用怕啰嗦或者重复.