帮忙~英语作文挑错~或者是哪看着别扭

帮忙~英语作文挑错~或者是哪看着别扭
I met my wife totally by accident, but I fell in love with her at the first sight.
It was a delightful winter night, no cold wind and the bothersome noise, that I decided to hang out to relax my poor nerves tightened by those work affairs for a long time.
Staring on my shadow under street lamps which turned long and short, I could even hear the shadow’s cheers for such a cheerful break from the heavy work. “Oh, it must have shortened my lifetime.” Thinking of the work, I complained.
“Don’t worry, you will live long.” A woman’s voice came to me suddenly.
I turned around straightway, and there was a tall girl dressed in white standing right by me. Her hair waterfall against the light-coloured skin hangs down and her attractive eyes catched my attention.
“I’m Xie Bi-an and would you do me a favour?” she said.
“Of course. What is it?”
“I get lost with my brother, who is a little short with dark skin. Could you help me look for him? You know, I’m somewhat scared in these dark nights.
“Ok,” I smiled, “Is there any other feature about you brother?”
“Huh…he wears a top hat, like this.” She conjured a wired top hat at the same time. I looked at her surprisely, and she just smiled and stuck her tongue. “Such a funny girl.” I thought.
“I even don’t know your name.” She said.
“Oh, Xiao Ming… Wow, look there, is he your brother?” I pointed at a man with overhigh hat hitting toward us.
“Terrific. He’s my brother Fan Wu-jiu. I can’t finish my task without him tonight.” She breathed a sigh of relief.
“Your task?”
“Yeah, now I have to back to my work.” She shot a glance at her brother and continued, “It is really nice to meet you.”
“Could I see you again?” I liked this girl and blurted out.
“Of course, we must see each other someday. Bye, Xiao Ming.” She waved her hand as she was walking away.
Tomorrow, I still thought of the mystical girl while I was passing a neighbor whose family were preparing for a funeral.

括号里的是修改后的词,有些是替换前面的一个词,有些是补充的
I met my wife totally by accident, but I fell in love with her at the first sight.
It was a delightful winter night, no cold wind and （and 改为or） the bothersome noise, that （that 改为 when）I decided to hang out to relax my poor nerves tightened by those work affairs for a long time.
Staring on（on 改为at） my shadow under （the） street lamps which turned （from） long and （and 改为 to）short, I could even hear the shadow’s cheers（建议用cheers of shadow 代替 shadow’s cheers） for such a cheerful break from the heavy work. “Oh, it must have shortened my lifetime.” Thinking of the work, I complained.
“Don’t worry, you will live long.” A woman’s voice came to me suddenly.
I turned around straightway, and there was a tall girl dressed in white standing right by me. Her hair waterfall( 如果不是确定有你这个表达的话建议换下顺序改为waterfall hair) against the light-coloured skin hangs down and her attractive eyes catched my attention.
“I’m Xie Bi-an and would you do me a favour?” she said.
“Of course. What is it?”
“I get lost with my brother, who is a little short with dark skin. Could you help me look for(to find) him? You know, I’m somewhat scared in these dark nights.
“Ok,” I smiled, “Is there any other feature about you brother?”
“Huh…he wears a top hat, like this.” She conjured a wired top hat at the same time. I looked at her surprisely, and she just smiled and stuck her tongue. “Such a funny girl.” I thought.
“I even don’t (管用表达是don’t even) know your name.” She said.
“Oh, Xiao Ming… Wow, look there, is he your brother?” I pointed at a man with overhigh hat hitting toward us.
“Terrific. He’s my brother Fan Wu-jiu. I can’t finish my task without him tonight.” She breathed a sigh of relief.
“Your task?”
“Yeah, now I have to (back是副词,搭个动词 go) back to my work.” She shot a glance at her brother and continued, “It is really nice to meet you.”
“Could I see you again?” I liked this girl and blurted out.
“Of course, we must see each other someday. Bye, Xiao Ming.” She waved her hand as she was walking away.
Tomorrow (隔天,是用 the next day), I still thought of the mystical girl while I was passing (by) a neighbor whose family were preparing for a funeral.